Where I’m Coming From

The Enola Gay flew over my neighborhood last week.

“I’m pregnant.” One week ago, on this very couch, I heard those two fateful words for the first time. Okay, not literally for the first time, but never before had they been spoken directly to me by a woman with two tests to back them up. I cried. They weren’t tears of joy. I wanted to get in my car and drive to Alaska. That is not an exaggeration. I have only shared the news with my parents and sister. Two of my friends know because my wife told them. They are happy but nervous for us; they know a lot of our struggles and issues.  Every story has a beginning, and this is mine. I hope to tell the whole tale, in length, breadth, and depth. It might get intense. I will probably say some things that would get me fired from Google.

I’m still overwhelmed, and am skeptical that the feeling will ever go away. But beneath the fear and anger there is an undercurrent of excitement. I would like to expand on that over time, because it’s where the hope and joy will reside. But for now…wow. WOW. Just wow.

A little background.

I want to keep it as real as possible here. That’s a lot of my motivation for writing anonymously. Not so much for my sake, but more to protect my wife and child. I don’t want them judged based on my ramblings. I’ll do my best to present a reasonable and balanced view, but that won’t always go as planned. You’ve been warned.

The bad and the ugly. So, let me launch right into it. Marriage, all two years and nine months of it, as of this post, has been the worst period of my life. By far. I don’t really like my wife, my life, or the person I have become. My marriage has been defined by loss of most everything I value, a lack of trust, and an abandonment of my core values. Getting married is the biggest regret of my life. So why the hell are you having a kid? My thoughts exactly. I did not plan on my wife getting pregnant. She says that she didn’t plan it either, a claim that I dispute. Heavy stuff, right? Basically I am shocked/scared about actually having a child and angry/bitter/frustrated about feeling like I was deceived/manipulated in order for it to happen. Taking a crappy marriage and adding a kid seems like a recipe for disaster, dooming both parents and child. I mean, this sort of thing rarely ends well, for anybody, and SCREW THE DOOM AND GLOOM, IT’S TIME FOR…

The good. Okay, obviously the bad and ugly have not disappeared forever, however I told them to take a little sabbatical. This might be difficult for someone whose only exposure to me up until now has been the preceding words on this blog to believe, but by nature I am a very upbeat and relentlessly optimistic person. At least I was before marriage. But I am working hard to regain that previous mindset. So what jewels did I find while attempting to clean out the litter box of life? Well, there are a lot of positives that this baby, and I, have to look forward to.

I am really happy that my parents will have the opportunity to be grandparents. They never put pressure on me to get married and have kids (although they definitely wanted them done in that order!), but I feel like it was something that they longed for. I think they will love it and be amazing at it. They were incredible parents. I have one sister, and at this point it doesn’t seem likely that she will ever have kids. Also, they are in their mid sixties, and it’s nice that a kid is coming while they are still pretty healthy and fit. Likewise, I am very happy that my sister can be an aunt. She is a very loving and compassionate person, and will be a blessing to our child. My wife’s parents, who I am very fond of, already have two granddaughters, but they are definitely excited about more. We haven’t told my brothers in law yet, but they will be excited also, not to mention my two nieces. So this child will not be lacking in family love, for which I am very grateful.

I did want to have a kid, I just wanted to do it at a time when my marriage wasn’t super crappy. So far that is all it has been, but re the optimism I was hoping for improvement. Well, now we have extra incentive to put in the hard work to make things better. There are parts of fatherhood that I am thrilled about. Not going to lie, but I would like the first child to be a boy. After that I don’t care how many girls we have. For me though, I would just feel such a strong connection to a firstborn son, maybe because I am one. He would look after and protect his younger siblings. But I think it will be awesome to teach any child about my hobbies, and as they age for me to learn about the things that interest them.

As briefly alluded to in the previous paragraph, I do hope that this event will provide the opportunity for me and my wife to improve (save?) our relationship. If I were to hear somebody else say this about their marriage I would tell them they are an idiot, but things are always different when it’s about us, right? Hopefully having this child will teach will teach both of us how to be less selfish, and let us have practice at serving others.

My wife really wants to be a mother. Hopefully this will make her happy.

I do like change and the unknown. Well, about to get plenty of that action!

I know there will be much more good, as well as bad and ugly, as the journey continues. I will do my best to honestly document both.

Mindset…Reprogramming.

Attitude determines attitude. Yeah, it’s a pretty cheesy saying that usually accompanies an even cheesier picture on a motivational poster. The internet attributes the quote to a lot of people, including a few who I doubt know what the word altitude means. But that very worthwhile idea has always been a pretty strong factor in my life. I have always looked at the upside and seen the best in situations. One door closing meant the opportunity to find a better door to walk through. Not only was the glass half full, but it contained the nectar of the gods. I have faced plenty of setbacks and disappointments in my life, but nothing could keep me down for long, because I maintained a positive outlook and attitude.

Well all that changed after getting married. I felt like what mattered to me was worthless to my wife, and that my needs were completely invalid. I have been very bitter and angry over the course of my marriage. I lost a lot of things (both physical and intangible) that were extremely important to me. I have read several books on forgiveness and am really working to move forward. But I feel like a lot of our issues continue to be unresolved, and that things I thought we could move past keep returning. I can honestly say that I despise the person I am now, but have thus far been unable to change. It’s extremely frustrating because I have always defined myself by the ability to be happy even in the most difficult times. My core has disintegrated.

So that is my current mindset, and this blog represents one facet of my attempt to reprogram it. I hope to improve, or heal, as it were over the coming time. I realize that we are never a finished product and that life is a roller coaster of highs and lows, but it would be nice to feel like I’m on an upward trajectory for a change.