I guess today marks about a month since I first learned of the pregnancy. And what a month it’s been! I have felt all of the emotions, thought through so many scenarios, and pinched myself a whole lots of times to ensure it’s all real. So this is either the world’s longest dream or I am about seven months away from being a father. Wow. In some ways I don’t know if it will ever sink it. I feel like everything from here on out will be surreal – watching the birth, high school graduation (hopefully), a wedding, becoming a grandparent myself. I have this sense that the roller coaster is only just beginning and it is going to beat me down.
I feel like I am at my most unhappy and angry when I analyze the situation from a selfish perspective. Thinking about how this will negatively affect me and all of the things I like to do. For a while life will involve a lot less camping, fun day trips, and general adventure. No international voyages and no road trip out West. Nope, life will contain a lot more crappy (haha!) activities like changing diapers, dealing with crying, and just always having to be responsible for another human being. There are probably people who think I can barely be responsible for myself, and they might have a valid point. However I have always been able to meet my needs and live what was for me a very fulfilling life, and am hoping that will be the case with my kid. It just feels like the stakes are so much higher now.
When I am upbeat and positive I see the good in what awaits, perhaps best reflected in my “Can’t wait to do it with you” posts. They have certainly been a lot of fun to write and have actually helped improve my mood at times. Talking with my parents has helped me as well. I know that they will be a fantastic source of help and encouragement. The happy phases are definitely limited though.
In other news, I ate a whole box of Life Cereal (actually the Kroger knock-off) for lunch today. It wasn’t particularly satisfying at the time, and I am definitely hating that decision now. I guess emotional eating is my go to coping mechanism.