Attitude determines attitude. Yeah, it’s a pretty cheesy saying that usually accompanies an even cheesier picture on a motivational poster. The internet attributes the quote to a lot of people, including a few who I doubt know what the word altitude means. But that very worthwhile idea has always been a pretty strong factor in my life. I have always looked at the upside and seen the best in situations. One door closing meant the opportunity to find a better door to walk through. Not only was the glass half full, but it contained the nectar of the gods. I have faced plenty of setbacks and disappointments in my life, but nothing could keep me down for long, because I maintained a positive outlook and attitude.
Well all that changed after getting married. I felt like what mattered to me was worthless to my wife, and that my needs were completely invalid. I have been very bitter and angry over the course of my marriage. I lost a lot of things (both physical and intangible) that were extremely important to me. I have read several books on forgiveness and am really working to move forward. But I feel like a lot of our issues continue to be unresolved, and that things I thought we could move past keep returning. I can honestly say that I despise the person I am now, but have thus far been unable to change. It’s extremely frustrating because I have always defined myself by the ability to be happy even in the most difficult times. My core has disintegrated.
So that is my current mindset, and this blog represents one facet of my attempt to reprogram it. I hope to improve, or heal, as it were over the coming time. I realize that we are never a finished product and that life is a roller coaster of highs and lows, but it would be nice to feel like I’m on an upward trajectory for a change.